Bored To Death
by nirvana heart
Summary: The pointlessness of existence is shown in this pointless oneshot. Mario and Link are having a pretty rubbish day, and it's Master Hand's job to make it even more so.


Smash Mansion sucked.

It had to be the most boring day Mario had ever experienced in his life. _Pimp My Pizza_ didn't have a new series for another week, and he was desperate to watch those succulent pastries become smothered in tomato and cheese, then topped just how the poor sucker didn't want it. That one with the anchovies was his favourite – and he had wanted to watch it. But Luigi lost the video.

Sonic was being incredibly annoying. The plumber usually got on well with him, but he had a date that evening, and Mario wished it was 7PM rather than 2PM so he didn't have to endure another five hours of the hedgehog's constant gloating and floating around the house in happiness – or horniness, Mario wasn't quite sure. Luigi was in his room doing Luigi-like things, Peach was having a 'girl's day' with Zelda, and he wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone.

He flumped down weakly onto the sofa, watching the clock tick by slowly…and he was certain it became slower the more he stared. It was like being back in school. A few minutes before it was time to go home, eyes drooping as the teacher _droned_ senselessly about things you _really_ didn't need to know about, ever. Then the bell would ring, a sweet _clang_ in the ears, and it would be bags from the floor, chairs under the desks, speed like Sonic out of the door before anyone knew it.

If only time would speed by like Sonic. If only Sonic would just _shut up._

He listened to the footsteps on the stairs. Normally he could distinguish them – fast pitter-patters meant either Pikachu or Jigglypuff; big, slow boots meant Snake; jumping down the stairs in a somersault meant Sonic, and slow footsteps accompanied by a cackle meant Wario. But the footsteps he was listening to held no ridiculous qualities, and Mario was quite pleased to see Link coming down the stairs, wearing jeans and a green T-shirt. For once, he wasn't in his usual outfit.

"You aren't-a fighting today?" Mario questioned, inviting Link to sit on the chair nearest his sofa.

"I sincerely hope not," Link sighed. "Sonic just woke me up. Something about banging a girl like he was banging my door, but I didn't ask."

"Don't," Mario advised. "Isn't-a worth it."

Both of the fighters looked at the unconscious television, then back to each other.

"You don't fancy watching a couple of episodes of _Name That Tune_ then?"

"Might as well-a."

* * *

><p>Mario and Link were pretty sure not long had passed before they were bored of the show that was notorious in the Smash household. For one, it was Pit who always won – and it was Pit who always ended up fighting with either Ness or Lucas, while Mario and Link would sigh and try to act invisible. The guy was supposed to be an angel. He wasn't supposed to know what fighting was rather than engage in it every day – and evening, if Wario was involved.<p>

"I've never been so bored in my life," Link groaned, burying his head in his hands. "We live in the Smash Mansion. There must be _something_ we can do."

"Hey!"

Both plumber and warrior looked up simultaneously to see Snake leaning over the banister, looking semi-normal for once. He still looked cold and distant, but it wasn't very often that he actually started a conversation. And it wasn't often at all that he said 'hey'. Mario raised an eyebrow. Was this really the same bounty hunter Snake that he'd first met, underneath a cardboard box?

"Master Hand wants to see you," he continued on. "It might help you have a more interesting day."

With that, he disappeared back upstairs.

* * *

><p>"Master Hand wants to see us?" Link wondered aloud as he and Mario began the long trek up to the attic, where the portal to Final Destination was kept. One jump meant they were transported to the nebula of stars and purple platform on which there had been much bloodshed – and that time when Wario used his motorbike to bully Pikachu off the platform. The mouse had retaliated with electricity, and almost all of the Smashers had burst out laughing when they heard.<p>

"Wonder what he wants," Mario shrugged. "Maybe he knows our day-a sucks!"

"I hope so."

"Yeah, me-a too."

* * *

><p>"Oh, <em>shut up—<em>ah! Mario and Link!"

Mario and Link arrived at Final Destination after a rather unpleasant, but familiar, portal journey. The trip through the portal was like being squeezed through an extremely tight tube: Mario was sure his internal organs were now crushed and he would die in mere seconds. On such a boring day, he was also sure that death was a blessing. They had interrupted an argument between Master Hand and Crazy Hand, who definitely lived up to his name.

"You wanted to see us?" Link said, voice courageous and like that of a real Hylian prince.

"Yes, yes! I have a task for you two," Master Hand said. "It isn't a very interesting one, but—"

"Give us anything!" Mario interrupted. "We've-a done-a nothin' all day!"

Master Hand nodded – or performed a gesture that imitated a human nod. "The Sandbags you've all been using for the Home Run contests were stolen a while back by the Meta Knights. We retrieved them, but we need to make sure that there isn't anything planted in them – bombs and such. Otherwise, a Home Run contest could end very badly indeed. I'll send you to a safer place than this where you can beat them to your own delight and check there is nothing in them. Got it? Good. Off you go."

Before the two could reply or protest, Final Destination disappeared and they appeared to be standing on a great whooshing world of grey, like they were speeding up through the air. Mario blinked, and there he was, on a small platform that was blocked off to prevent falling. In the background seemed to be nothing but random shapes that morphed into others.

"Where is this?"

"Haven't-a clue."

Sandbag fell from seemingly nowhere in between the two fighters. Link reached to sheath his sword and found it in surprise – he was unaware that Master Hand had placed him in his outfit, and Mario still in his dungarees. The Master Sword slashed Sandbag, and didn't explode – instead, a CD fell out.

"There's no _bombs!_ There's CDs, though! I wonder what they are?"

Another Sandbag fell down and landed with a loud thump. Mario took care of the second one – he punched and kicked until Sandbag tore, and another CD fell out. He looked up at Link and grinned. "Well, here's-a 'nother!"

So the two fighters had their fun, slashing and kicking any Sandbag that fell down, and discussing excitedly what music would be on the CDs they found. Mario wanted a DVD of _Pimp My Pizza_ and got through about fifty Sandbags before he realised that one wasn't going to appear. Link was lenient when it came to music and said he would listen to all of them. Finally, both decided that Master Hand could conjure the CDs to put whatever he wanted on them, and secretly decided he was a Judas Priest fan.

Their boring day had had the tables turned. It had actually proved to be a very interesting and amusing day for an hour or two, slashing Sandbags until the cows came home – or until Master Hand decided to stop launching Sandbags onto the platform.

* * *

><p>"That was-a fun!"<p>

Link came out of the attic holding a fair-sized stack of CDs. It had taken them close to an hour to figure out how to get off the platform – until they realised they simply had to ask Master Hand. Now close to 7PM, both were glad that maybe the house would simmer down now that Sonic was going out soon. Mario helped him down, Link dumped the CDs in his room and they went to find Snake.

"Did you have an interesting day, then?" Snake questioned, sitting in an armchair, not looking up from a complex-looking book.

"Yeah," Link smiled. "Thanks for letting us know. It definitely—"

"How does this sound for a romantic poem?"

Sonic appeared in front of Mario and Link, holding a rather crumpled piece of paper, standing proud, as if about to read a dramatic monologue. Both stared at him, ignoring the small laughs from Snake.

"'Roses are red, violets are blue…I have to go to the bathroom, and do a number—"

"Please don't finish that sentence."

"It's _romantic! _Besides, I can't go tonight anyway. Something else came up. So we're gonna go out tomorrow…and I said I'd write something for her! Isn't that _great? _Hey, dude, I saw you had a big bunch of CDs, can I put them on, we could do with some rock n' _roooll!"_

Snake hid his laughter behind his book, rather uncharacteristically.

"What's funny?" Link sighed.

"The absolute pointlessness of how you spent your day. The Sandbags weren't stolen at all. Master Hand just wanted a bit of a laugh."

Mario sighed. Link followed suit.

Smash Mansion sucked.


End file.
